I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
