if you like me you must not know who I am
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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