Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
