So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
