I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
