I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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