it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
