finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
