I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
