at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
They took my balls.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
