I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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