There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
