If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
