You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
