I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
