Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
