I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
