I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
