I am in a vortex of obligation.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
