The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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