When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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