wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
