idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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