the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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