My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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