I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
