I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
