matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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