My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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