How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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