so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
