just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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