you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
MIDGETS
????
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
