does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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