I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
