do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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