it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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