Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
