so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize