Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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