You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
