i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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