wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Send help, water and tortillas.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
