i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
