I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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