I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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