So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
