woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
