he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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