Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
