hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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