My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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