i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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