oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
