my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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