Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
