Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Let's get the cat blown out
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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