She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
