You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
