WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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