You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
